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Daydreaming in Traffic II: Endless Nameless
I am here, that much (for now) is certain, though I have the distinct feeling that I will begin to doubt it along the way home. In fact, I just realized that I am here. It comes as neither a shock or with any kind of comfort at all. There is a hint of contentment, but no excitement or fear. Not yet.
“Well, this is all very interesting son, but I don’t think I am what you are looking for,” he says, mopping his brow with an old bandana. That’s fine, in time. “I understand,” and I move on. It is early on enough to find another ride to the city, but too late to keep at it on my own. The thought of sleep surrounds both sides of dawn. No return. No exit. The small stones underfoot seem to move like water, chaotic in every direction, yet they have their own secret organization that I can’t comprehend. Swishing them back and forth, a slight feeling of predominance comes to mind, but quickly flickers away. Watching them go back in forth, in hopes the next time I will look up sunlight will appear. This kind of thinking is usually attached to the night. Letting go will not be hard at all, just like the pebbles that occupy me for now.
If I didn’t have the pebbles, I might have to whistle, which I can’t or hum, which I hate. So I am grateful for the little stones and getting to watch them fly as I kick them far ahead, trying to send them past the night and into the soft hue of dawn. I have been walking for a long time, but it is only the walk ahead of me that brings doubt up front. I have had many walks like this, but never as long. I won’t bother to recall the end. I am ready for the night to pull away. It seems to be fighting me more than usual. Pebbles, stones, rocks, and gravel; it all adds up. I really hope they are reaching dawn down the road.
Tumbling, falling, and flying back and forth; the state of mind shifts continually from doubt to confidence, from falling to flight. Sometimes it works with such ease that it feels like a birthright. Other times it comes up short. I fail and fall back to the ground. It is unusual, but this is all a training ground for heaven and hell. We all live in this house together and we all seem to be on decent terms with each other, but I know we are meant for opposite dreams. “I am learning to throw lightening bolts, but then the falling starts again and I don’t know what to do. Everything become clear and apparent and I get really scared that I am going to be destroyed. I don’t pull up at the last minute or anything. I just fall.”
“Hmm. Continue.” Scratch, scribble, “Well,” scratch scratch scribble scribble, “I remember the feeling of fright started to go-“ scratch scribble scratch scratch scratch… “away, but there didn’t seem to be any reason.” Scribble HE scratch scratch IS scratch scratch scribble scribble scribble scribble “I don’t think I-“ NOT scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch LLIISSTTEENNIINNGG!!! scratch break. I don’t think that I can remember much more than that. Just the walking and being in the house and training for the battle of heaven and all that stuff.”
“That’s enough for today. We’ll wrap up on Friday. I’ve got some ideas of what this could all be about. I’ll have to look over my notes and we’ll se what we can find.” Back to the pebbles then, not that it is anything different than I imagined. There is no zero.
“Well, this is all very interesting son, but I don’t think I am what you are looking for,” he says, mopping his brow with an old bandana. That’s fine, in time. “I understand,” and I move on. It is early on enough to find another ride to the city, but too late to keep at it on my own. The thought of sleep surrounds both sides of dawn. No return. No exit. The small stones underfoot seem to move like water, chaotic in every direction, yet they have their own secret organization that I can’t comprehend. Swishing them back and forth, a slight feeling of predominance comes to mind, but quickly flickers away. Watching them go back in forth, in hopes the next time I will look up sunlight will appear. This kind of thinking is usually attached to the night. Letting go will not be hard at all, just like the pebbles that occupy me for now.
If I didn’t have the pebbles, I might have to whistle, which I can’t or hum, which I hate. So I am grateful for the little stones and getting to watch them fly as I kick them far ahead, trying to send them past the night and into the soft hue of dawn. I have been walking for a long time, but it is only the walk ahead of me that brings doubt up front. I have had many walks like this, but never as long. I won’t bother to recall the end. I am ready for the night to pull away. It seems to be fighting me more than usual. Pebbles, stones, rocks, and gravel; it all adds up. I really hope they are reaching dawn down the road.
Tumbling, falling, and flying back and forth; the state of mind shifts continually from doubt to confidence, from falling to flight. Sometimes it works with such ease that it feels like a birthright. Other times it comes up short. I fail and fall back to the ground. It is unusual, but this is all a training ground for heaven and hell. We all live in this house together and we all seem to be on decent terms with each other, but I know we are meant for opposite dreams. “I am learning to throw lightening bolts, but then the falling starts again and I don’t know what to do. Everything become clear and apparent and I get really scared that I am going to be destroyed. I don’t pull up at the last minute or anything. I just fall.”
“Hmm. Continue.” Scratch, scribble, “Well,” scratch scratch scribble scribble, “I remember the feeling of fright started to go-“ scratch scribble scratch scratch scratch… “away, but there didn’t seem to be any reason.” Scribble HE scratch scratch IS scratch scratch scribble scribble scribble scribble “I don’t think I-“ NOT scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch LLIISSTTEENNIINNGG!!! scratch break. I don’t think that I can remember much more than that. Just the walking and being in the house and training for the battle of heaven and all that stuff.”
“That’s enough for today. We’ll wrap up on Friday. I’ve got some ideas of what this could all be about. I’ll have to look over my notes and we’ll se what we can find.” Back to the pebbles then, not that it is anything different than I imagined. There is no zero.
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